Which part keeps tripping you up?
'Forgive yourself for what you think you've done or not. At every moment you had your reasons for all of your actions and decisions. You've always done the best that you could do. Forgive yourself.'
Doreen Virtue
Do you ever find yourself wanting to achieve something, but also have another part of you that’s resisting? Perhaps you want to study for a degree, but also feel overwhelmed by the workload. Maybe you want to start a new business, but you're afraid of failure. Or you want to feel well but continue to have the drink you told yourself you wouldn’t have. These conflicting parts of ourselves can create inner turmoil, making it difficult to move forward unless we learn to give them what they're seeking. I'm not suggesting giving them right of way, more the idea that they're allowed to exist but aren't permitted to run the show and dictate terms.
Rather than beating that ‘troublesome’ part up, burying it with distraction, or pretending it doesn’t exist. What if, you invited it to the forefront and gave it a moment in the spotlight to be acknowledged? What if, you compassionately offered it some reassuring words that enabled it to take a back seat and become an observer, rather than an active participant in daily life that stops you from achieving your goals?
Below are some thoughts on how they can be integrated to increase our chances for success.
Acknowledge and validate the feelings and needs of each part. Trying to understand why it exists and what it’s attempting to achieve.
Where appropriate find a middle ground or compromise between the two parts.
Use mindfulness exercises such as meditation or breathwork to increase self awareness. To strengthen the brains capacity to find the pause between stimulus and reaction. Another useful tool are self coaching exercises to provide new insights. Helpful for exploring thoughts and habitual thinking to develop a new way forward.
Being individuals we’re all going to need varying approach's to discover what works best for us and most likely will require different strategies for the various roadblocks we find ourselves up against. Just like when trying to change a habit we need specific interventions for different situations. It’s not a one size fits all.
An exercise worth considering :
Writing the part of yourself that trips you up, a letter. Perhaps it's to 7 year old or 15 year old you, to reassure them that you understand how they feel and why, but that it is time for them to take a back seat. Intentionally finding a place for that part from the past that is no longer helpful today and moving forward. Perhaps even revisiting the message of your letter in times of strain or when the dance of, I want to do this but I also want to do this appears.
What does that part of yourself need to hear? Be told? Reassured of?
That there is enough
That they are seen
That they will not miss out / be forgotten
Not lose
Be looked after
What is the key message from this letter you can tell yourself when things aren’t going as planned?
The most important aspect of this work however challenging, is remembering to approach the process with kindness, compassion, curiosity and patience.
If you're struggling to integrate conflicting parts on your own. A trained professional such as a psychologist or coach can assist you to develop strategies and tools to support you to navigate the integration process.