Some things you didn't know about confidence
Practicing in the gap
'Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.' Denis Waitley
So, it occurred to me whilst peeling apples alongside my kid that I too needed reminding, nobody in the history of the world gets decent results from doing something once or twice. It took a few moments afterwards to register that what I was sharing with her was actually what I needed to hear myself.
It got me thinking about times when the vision I've had in my mind’s eye of what I am working on looked absolutely nothing like what I ended up with. I only need to recall some (not all!) of my recent crafting projects to dive deep into a cringe worthy state that is momentarily demoralizing. The thing is, I sometimes I forget to work with my strengths and acknowledge my weaknesses – such as patience.
Whilst rushing and wanting everything to happen NOW, it takes effort to remind myself that results take time and persistence. My partner and I joke about many of the poorly executed handy man jobs he has done over the years – wobbly door handles and things that fall out of walls etc... Fast forward 15 years and he can actually build some really solid stuff. Even looking at his paintings from 20 years ago, yes they were pretty damn good, but gee what a difference a committed practice, day after day can make. It is never just talent or luck.
I am currently in the process of putting myself out there to launch a new product to connect with a different client base. I am vulnerable, at risk of criticism, rejection and failure. BUT I’m going to give it a go anyway and if it’s no good I’ll change direction, adjust, review and move forward with the new information I gain from the experience.
Pursuing this project I've had to constantly remind myself that I'm doing something new, that it is not perfect and that I can't do it without asking others for help. That I need to commit to the uncomfortable act of putting one foot in front of the other, one small step at a time. Or, sit around wondering what if I had of........?
One thing I am definitely at risk of is falling into the trap of the stories I tell myself… the ones that can keep me stuck or procrastinating. Like, I’m not good enough, I don’t have all of the information, I don’t know how I am going to do this etc…
The silver lining from these aforementioned disastrous craft projects, is the metaphor they represent, showing me what I can achieve with repeated practice, failure and persistence.
Culturally I think we are sold unrealistic messages about success and what it takes to get what we want. To cut through all of that, I have to remember that I also used to be really bad at lighting a decent fire, climbing trees to cut flowers, and boxing, yoga and coaching until I put the work in.
The other challenge I had, and I see with many people I work with, is around awareness about what works for each of us to get the result we want. Knowing how our personality type and tendencies affect the way we work and manage our habits. Armed with this knowledge it is easier to manage avoidance and develop systems that support us rather than work against us.
Gretchin Rubin's books are invaluable if you're wanting to strengthen your habits
I'm a real fan of the concept that 'failure' is really only feedback. A reframe that certainly works for me and helps me maintain or regain momentum when it’s waning.
Learning about my tendencies has helped me tune in to what types of projects I need, what help I require and how to structure something. Coupling this with being coached and I’ve been able to boost my strengths and results.
I now make fewer choices that put me in positions that I will potentially resent –I find it quite easy these days to say no when something doesn’t suit me and agree to projects or offers for the right reasons only. This information also assists me to work around potential distractions, i.e. rabbit holes that will take me into avoidance. When this happens I know it’s time to call in the Pomodoro timer – 20 mins of committed action with a 5 min break - to force me to sit still and focus.
I choose to keep on going and trying and stretching, part of that which is also learning to ask for help.
As it stands, I know that I have a choice – to make practice and persistence a priority with all that I do and recognise that if I’m not prepared to do this, then I don’t really want the result. I know that even if I am or what I am doing isn’t great now; I have confidence that I will be better, with feedback and repeated effort. I have the confidence to tell my kid that mastering something – anything that we want to be good at takes time, effort, getting it wrong and trying again. I’ve adopted Sunny Lenarduzzi’s mantra of Test, Fail, Learn, Grow and Repeat....
Podcast recommendation An inspiring episode with Sara Blakely on confidence
A bit of optimism Simon Sinek
“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again. That is why I succeed."
Michael Jordan